Even though I’ve convinced myself so many times that the attitude weights about 50% of the success, I don’t get it why I still want to feel shitty.

Even now I search for “sad music” that goes with my mood, but I only find “happy” stuff. But in the end it doesn’t really matter. You see, i have this thing were the song’s mood changes in accordance with mine, and i could be listening to the saddest song ever but still get a move on it, or it could be the total opposite…

But it’s not about music, it almost never was. It was my relations towards the things that surround me, everything that i do.

And i stick with Bjork’s “All is full of love”. I put it on automatic replay so i don’t have to find any other song.
It’s amazing… Sad though… Or at least this is the way i want to see it. In the end it seems like I create my own world. For the time being a sad one… lethargic. Thinking about… nothing. Seems to feel good, it may just seem but not actually feel this way.

I always like the Armenian folk music. Those people suffered the most of all known nations to me. To get a better picture of what i am talking about you might want to take a look at the movie Ararat. What i like about their music, is the aspect, or note of a “lost battle or war” that i always have a feeling is present when i’m listening it. I told my “mentor” (as i would refer to him) about the way i see it. But he disagreed with me. He said that he was feeling that the song comes from the heart, and it pictures love and peace. So i understood that it must be something else than just the mastery with what the composer creates this piece of art. He stores a part of soul in it, but apparently it’s not that what makes it beautiful. You feel so left out when what you believed in leaves you, as if you’re supposed to understand which way to take it. I feel stuck,… useless. Or is this the way i want to feel?

Examples of such songs: Kamantcha and Dle Yaman

I haven’t given up hope, yet. I still believe, in a way, in a better tomorrow. But my hopes seem to evaporate very fast.

I was supposed to drink tea while writing this, it’s cold now.